Ohhhh… you came to my blog to read about the Praise Kink? Aren’t you a good girl/boy 😉
Sorry, couldn’t resist! Anyway, today I am going to start writing about my own kinks and hopefully giving some educational content while I’m at it. We’re starting with the Praise Kink because I personally think that it is one of the most beautifully sweet kinks around! It’s also so common, that I had no idea it was actually a kink until a few years ago! Now, for clarity, whenever I blog about specific kinks, of any kind, I am primarily discussing it from a personal perspective. I’m not an expert by any means, and I’m still constantly learning. Kink is very customisable, and as long as it is safe, sane and consensual, you can turn it into whatever works for you and your play partners. As such, take what I say here with a pinch of salt, and for more information you can check some of the links I’ve added at the bottom of this blog.
So lets have a look at what the internet says about the Praise Kink first, then jump into my own experience with it. Unless you’ve lived under a Tiktok-free rock since 2020, you’ll probably have seen at least one video joking about the Praise Kink. The standard narrative is the use of the term “good girl/boy” as a way to make a person feel immediately horny and submissive. The delight that is the Urban Dictionary describes the Praise Kink as:
“Someone who thrives to be praised during intimacy. (psst, noises pleasures them too)”
I would say that’s a fairly good description. Being praised for doing a good job, hearing the validation of your partners pleasure in the words they say and sounds they make is a huge aspect of what makes being praised such a turn-on. To expand on that description I would also add that praise can also come in the form of actions as well as words and sounds. A firm squeeze of the hand, or tightening of their grip in your hair can be a form of praise in itself, telling you that what you are doing feels amazing and to keep going.
For a submissive, praise can truly activate the part of yourself that craves to please. Although cliché, being told you are a “good girl/boy” can have the exact effect you see in the Tiktok videos: turning them into a melty puddle of submission. It’s not just about receiving compliments, although that is a nice part of it, but the authentic validation and appreciation being given from a play partner. The praise kink can have an active physical effect, turning you on even more and rising levels of submission to insane levels. It can often come hand in hand with a level of service submission, where the achievement of goals set by the dom and the reward of praise is wrapped up together. Phrases like “I’m so proud of you”, “you’re taking it so well” and “well done my good girl/boy” heighten intimacy and pleasure, and will help develop the emotional connection between submissive and dominant.
What isn’t discussed enough is that the praise kink is by no means exclusively a submissive kink! Many dominants also have a praise kink and enjoy the validation of words, noises and actions of affirmation from their submissive partners. Cute phrases, words of gratitude, begging, moaning and pleading all hit the same praise kink note. Dominants often crave validation of their actions, enjoying hearing that their submissive likes what is being done to them. Statements like “that feels so good”, “you make me feel so safe”, “I need you” or even “please give me more” can drive a Dom crazy! It can also help to limit the effects of dom-drop post-scene by reminding the dominant of consistent enjoyment and active consent. So just because you are a dominant doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy being praised… its just in a slightly different way. Although I wouldn’t go calling your Dom a “good boy/girl”… unless you’re craving a good spanking! 😉
However, one thing that comes up over and over again when discussing the praise kink is that it needs to feel REAL and AUTHENTIC. Think about it for a second, how does it feel when you receive a thoughtless compliment? Like when a guy messages you and says “you’re hot” on a dating site. It’s empty, said simply because it’s the expected thing to say. On the flip side of that coin, when you receive a real compliment, meant with sincerity, the tone and reaction is totally different. “You look so beautiful!” as a genuine response to how you look that day will immediately bring your mood up, make you smile and probably blush from the roots of your hair to the tips of your toes (if you’re anything like me), so why should the praise kink be any different? If it doesn’t feel real then praise becomes as effective as a knitted condom!
The main thing to take away is that having a praise kink means you are sexually aroused by positive affirmation from a sexual partner, in whatever form that comes.
So, what is my experience of the praise kink? As a switch I get to enjoy it in both a submissive and dominant headspace.
In the last few years I’ve become increasingly more content in my submissive headspace. It’s an emotional place I feel comfortable in, with the right dominant there to hold my hand and remind me that I’m safe and wanted. It’s not something I’m comfortable sharing with just anyone, which is why I don’t engage with submissive play in my professional work very often, outside of photoshoots or solo play at any rate.
For me, the praise kink comes hand in hand with my wish to please my partner. I’m very much a service sub, and love to give. I used to wake my ex up in the morning with a blowjob, that more often than not turned into morning sex. I loved doing it because it made him happy, and in turn that made me happy. There was no where near the level of active praise in that relationship (in fact, there was a lot more of the opposite), so when I started seeing M I was blown over by how actively praising he was, and the effect it had on me. Picture me turning into wibbly wobbly gelatinous girl goo and you’d be pretty close to the reality of the situation. Nothing turns me on more than knowing I am making my partner crazy with my mouth, hands, body… you get the point. Hearing the growls and moans of reaction alone makes me go fairly wild, but when he runs his hand into my hair and tells me I’m “his good girl” or “fuck that feels good baby!” I borderline fall apart. It boosts my confidence, makes me feel super sexy and (most importantly) makes me happy because I’ve made my person happy.
However, without an emotional connection, or at least my express permission, the “good girl” cliché doesn’t work on me. I actually find it vaguely offensive when someone who I’m not emotionally intimate with tries to speak to me like that. It smacks of an entitlement to my submission that is not given and will immediately put my back up. Regardless of anything else, for me, it feels like a huge invasion of my emotional privacy to have anyone I haven’t chosen attempt to put me in a submissive headspace by using praise. Jokes may be jokes, but I can tell the difference between a joke and an actual attempt to praise your way between my thighs a mile off, and so can most submissives. So do yourself a favour, and just don’t.
Like all things, our enjoyment of certain kinks usually comes from somewhere. I’ve done enough work on myself to be able to say that I lacked the understanding and emotional support that I needed growing up. It didn’t help that girls weren’t diagnosed with any forms of neurodivergence in the 90’s. We were just weird, dramatic, too clever for our own good and frequently punished for it. I became a people pleaser, without the ability to enforce my own boundaries or assert my needs because I just desperately wanted to be accepted for the quirky, weird young person I was. It didn’t help that I went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship and only escaped that cycle in my late twenties. I was (and still am) a chronic overachiever and find it very hard to slow down, stop or accept validation from others because I expect it to be false a lot of the time. It’s taken a lot of hard work to be able to disentangle myself from that scared little girl and begin advocating for my own needs.
I crave open and active communication in all of my relationships, and not just communication when something goes wrong, but when things are going well. I’m very open about my feelings and need the same in return, so when someone is as open with their praises as I am, its a huge turn on, intellectually and emotionally as well as physically. Praise shouldn’t just be kept for the bedroom, but for all aspects of your relationships. I will praise my people (friends and partners) for all things they do well and provide verbal and active gratitude when they do the same for me. Being open with your words, actions and thoughts is the foundation of a good relationship, no matter the relationship style. The first time M told me he was proud of me for something that was just part of my vanilla life, I felt this huge swell of affection and love towards him, because I need that validation from someone who matters to me. I try my best to provide that back to all of the people I’m lucky to have in my life.
To conclude, the Praise Kink is different for everyone, but basically it comes down to feeling a wish to be validated by people we are emotionally and/or physically intimate with. Again, I am not an expert by any means, so please do your own research and have a little swatch at other sources to further your knowledge. Research is sexy, so go and be a researcher!!
As always my loves, play safe and have fun!
Kitty xxx
Want to know more? Here are some articles and videos on the Praise Kink that I find informative and useful:
‘You’re a Good Girl’: The Ins and Outs of Praise Kinks (getmegiddy.com)
Praise Kink? Examples & 20 Praise Kink Phrases – Kink Lovers
Watts the SafeWord- What’s a Praise Kink and Is It Pointless?