Unless you missed my posts about it, you’ll know that on Saturday the 19th of February I was on the panel at the Sex in the Media Conference in Dundee. I was so honoured to be part of a panel of such amazing people, all of whom are wonderful examples of sex and kink positive educators, especially given I’ve only really been in the industry for a year. I was only told I was going to be speaking on the Tuesday before the conference, so I didn’t have the time to put together a full PowerPoint presentation. Instead I decided that I wanted to use the opportunity to talk about my personal experience in the industry and how that experience contrasts with what the media would have you believe. However, in typical Kitty style, I deviated MASSIVELY from the speech I wrote. Thankfully though, I think I managed to keep the heart of my speech true to the written version… if a little expanded in some places and some points missed entirely (because I’m organised me hehe). If you want to watch my speech then you can find it HERE on my YouTube channel or down below, but if you’d like to read the speech as it was written, then keep scrolling!
The Written Speech (with all 10 lessons included!)
Before I start, I’d like to take a quick second to say a huge thank you to the DUKS committee for approaching me to be part of this panel, especially when I look at the other amazing people speaking today. I’ve been in the industry just over a year, so to be standing next to so many amazing humans, that I admire so very much, has me feeling like a fledgling bird who is trying to fly next to a group of eagles. I really can’t thank you guys enough for the opportunity!
So, what is this fledgling bird here to talk about today? Well, I’m here to tell you guys about the lessons/rules I live by as sex worker. When I started, I made several decisions early on about how I wanted to run my business, some of which didn’t work, some I picked up along the way and some that have become the foundation of my practice.
Instead of simply reading out a summary of my life (which would bore you all to tears!), I’m going to tell you guys the 10 lessons I have learned over the last year. Hopefully my experiences can give you guys an insight into life as a content creator and cam girl… and maybe give you a few laughs too along the way!
If you guys are ready and properly prepared for the ramblings of an overly enthusiastic, ranting Scottish redhead and you are all sitting comfortably, we shall begin.
Lesson 1. Learn to Walk Before Even Attempting to Run
The way that I started my sex worker career may sound like I jumped in the deep end without thinking but trust me when I say that’s not how it happened. By nature, I’m quite thorough in everything I do, so I had already done a lot of research and soul searching before diving in.
I opened my premium OnlyFans account in January 2021, after being gently bullied by several friends of mine from my personal life and from FabSwingers to start one up. I was very active on the forums on Fab. I took part in a lot of the photo challenges and it helped my confidence no end. As one of those women who spent most of her teenage years and twenties feeling uncomfortable in her own skin, the response to the pictures was an intoxicating high. I honestly believed I looked like a rejected drawing from Tim Burton’s sketchbook, so finding that confidence to push through that was a revelation (although still a work in progress).
I had this wonderful friend who had been trying to convince me to open a NSFW swinging Twitter account, which is very common in the swinging and kink scene, but I kept putting it off. I investigated it though and checked out my day job contract and social media policies until I felt ready to jump in. I even raised it with a manager at my work as a hypothetical, to make sure I was ok to go into the industry if I so wished. Then one wild night at the end of January I decided to take the plunge and jumped into Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, TikTok and OnlyFans all in one mental evening. Am I crazy? I’d say that possibility is above average, but the moment I started being open about my sexual nature I felt this immense sense of freedom that I’ve never experienced before. I’d spent 28 years trying very hard to fit into the box of “normal” and it always felt like a cage. Opening my OnlyFans was like breaking out of the cage and shaking out the parts of my personality that I hadn’t been able to express openly my whole adult life. Time to be unapologetically myself, which includes letting my exhibitionist side and kink tendencies out for a good stretch!
The thing I stopped to actively consider was HOW I wanted to run my pages. What things mattered to me that I wanted to show and represent. I wanted to be more than just wank fodder (although that’s fun in itself). I wanted to show ALL of me as a person. I wanted to use the platform for things outside of pure naughty content. As my personal ambition at the moment is to train as a relationship counsellor and sex therapist, I wanted to use my account as a vlogging and sex positive platform too, with lots of splashes of my colourful and geeky personality. If you’ve been with me since I started, you’ll know that I often drop kink and sex education videos on my social media and OnlyFans accounts, which I plan to continue doing on a bigger scale with my YouTube channel. Sexual liberation should be celebrated, and I plan to celebrate mine by talking about it on an open platform so that maybe I can help guide other fledgling spicy accountants (I love that term!) and kinksters to avoid any of my mistakes and share some of the success.
I’m still figuring out the best way to do this, so I guess I’m not quite running yet. But I can’t be doing too badly if I’m here a year into my career can I?
So take your time! Be kind to yourself and don’t overload yourself early on. Sex work is a hard career choice, so keep yourself right by building a solid foundation of experience before trying to take over the world…
Which neatly brings me to lesson 2:
Lesson 2. Stand Up for Yourself
Choosing the face out life as a SWer can have its difficulties. Everyone in the industry will be slut shamed, insulted or treated as if they are broken at some point or another. Thankfully, the knocks I received didn’t come from my friends and family (who are actually very supportive), but from my day job.
About a month after I started my OnlyFans account, I was called by my work and told I was being suspended on charges of gross misconduct because my spicy pages and “face out” activity meant that I could (according to them anyway) “potentially bring the reputation of the company into disrepute”. I was shocked! I had gone through all the correct steps to make sure my day job wouldn’t have a problem, as long as I kept my two jobs separated. I had checked my license with the SSSC (Scottish Society of Social Care), read and re-read my contract and checked all of the social media policies of my day job. To say the social media policy was “woolly” is an understatement. It was example based, and the first example was (hold on to your hats) was “If you wouldn’t want to discuss it in front of a crowded room… then don’t post about it on social media.” Well as you can clearly tell, talking about my life in the sex industry in front of an audience doesn’t both me at all, so that certainly didn’t apply to me. I had no reason at all to believe that I was in any breach of contract.
Regardless of the fact that there seemed to be no grounds for it, I was suspended for 3 months (on full pay mind you) and put through a HORRIBLE disciplinary process, that included a healthy dose of slut shaming, discrimination and an active attack on my self-worth. It was a horrendous feeling seeing something that I was doing entirely for my own empowerment being used as evidence that there was something innately wrong with me.
BUT I fought it!!
I spoke to citizens advice, my union and then a lawyer, all who reassured me that I was right and my job didn’t have a legal leg to stand on. Actually, to be more accurate, my lawyer (bless her) told me that when it came down to it, the company was digging themselves a bigger hole with every single day that passed and IF they decided to fire me I could take them for all they were worth. So, with the reassurance of professionals, I went ahead and used those three months to start modelling semi-professionally and make enough spicy content to last for six months! All while getting paid by the company that was treating me like a pariah for daring to be myself. There was a certain power and delicious irony in that. Oh, and don’t worry, I reminded my work that they were paying me to do the thing they hated at every single meeting, just to really rub salt in the wound of their ridiculous stupidity.
All in all, I ended up keeping my job at the end of three months of suspension, and informing them that in no way would I or will I ever change my personal life for them… or anyone else for that matter. I also made them aware that I would be looking for new day jobs because I could not in good conscience work for a company with such draconian, discriminatory, sexist attitudes. It took me almost a year and I had another hiccup with another job in November before FINALLY handing in my notice in January 2022.
The whole experience sucked, but I’m actually glad I had to deal with this level of intolerant shit early in my career. It showed me how strong I can be when I stand by my convictions, and taught me the valuable lesson that no one will automatically defend you. YOU must defend yourself. If you want to be in this industry, you must understand that it will come with it’s share of battles. Unjustified, ridiculous battles based on draconian morals that make no sense… but battles none the less.
We shouldn’t have to wear our armour all the time and be ready for a fight constantly, but sadly we are the warriors who are fighting a stigma that society still needs taught to LET THE FUCK GO! So be brave, and if this is the life you choose then stand by your choices and bend for no one! Choose to be educate those who wish to listen… and for those who don’t wish to listen… well who needs them anyway?
Lesson 3: Your Boundaries Are Non-Negotiable
This should go without saying, but sadly it bears repeating.
The only person who can decide when you change your boundaries is you! Don’t ever allow yourself to be pressured, pushed, or bullied into doing things that make you uncomfortable. I’ve only been in the industry for a little over a year and I’ve lost count of the amount of “advice” I have been given (unsolicited I might add) of what content I should be making. Apparently if I want to be like every other spicy accountant out there then I should be a squirting fountain, moaning for “Daddy” while also demanding money from “pathetic submissive beta-cucks” in proper findomme style… oh and don’t forget I should be sitting in birthday cake as a hobby and walking around in heels that are higher than the length of the average penis.
Here’s the thing though… I’ve never pretended that I want to be like everyone else. For the record, I squirt unpredictably and I refuse to fake it; I am a big fan of DDLG, but I’m not going to moan for “Daddy” unless I decide I want to be in that submissive mindset; I am very good at being a findomme, but I won’t compromise the other parts of myself to be exclusively a Domme of any variety; food play gives me the boake (being sticky is yuck!) and I can’t walk in heels to save my life. Sadly people don’t always listen when you tell them these things…
People will push you or try and encourage you to be a kink dispenser for their needs. They’ll think they can offer you X amount of money and it means you will fulfil every fantasy and kink they desire. Please, I beg of you: DO NOT DO THAT TO YOURSELF!!! If something makes you uncomfortable or is something you really wouldn’t enjoy then just say no. I’m not saying don’t stretch yourself if you are curious about something, and I’m not saying don’t make custom content, so please don’t misunderstand me here. What I’m saying is that YOU should always remember that even (and especially) if you do work in the industry, it doesn’t for a moment mean that your boundaries are not valid. If you don’t want to do something, then respect yourself enough to say NOPE!
I do understand that you will feel like you are obliged to say yes to potential clients/customers, especially when they flash lots of money at you, but trust me you are not. That is what we call monetary coercion, where you feel forced to do something that you don’t want to do because you feel you need the money. Sadly, this often goes hand in hand with sex worker poverty, when people enter the sex industry thinking they have no other options and sacrifice their consent/self-worth in the process. That should never be a thing! If you are entering the industry because you think it is easy money, think again, because I’m here to tell you it takes serious hard work to do well and it takes a long time to get to the point of stability. I spend about 10% of my time doing the fun stuff, the rest of my time is taken up with advertising, paperwork, editing, networking, blogging/vlogging and all the other things that pull my “brand” together. You might make quick money if you choose to do anything as long as the “price is right”, but eventually you will burn out.
Just because sex is your business doesn’t mean your ability to consent is compromised, nor does it mean that your consent is for sale.
And if you aren’t in the industry, the exact same rules apply. Protect you. Don’t let anyone else set your limits.
Lesson 4: Ignore the Box!
This lesson is an expansion on my last point, but it’s going to need some clarification, because I know you’re all going “Box?! What Box?! Kitty’s been at the catnip again!”
Nope, I’ve not been at the catnip. I’m just a sucker for a good metaphor.
Imagine your kinks are boxes, and each is labelled in big letters, sitting together, all nice and neat so you can see each one. You might have a small pile of boxes, or a large pile of boxes… it doesn’t really matter. Now, let’s say you are exploring your kinks, still learning (which we all should be, no one is an expert in all things sex and kink no matter what they tell you!) or you feel an urge to explore something new…Would you choose not to explore a new kink or label simply because you’ve already explored an opposing kink? If the answer is yes, then allow me to challenge you on it, because that is just straight up silly!
In the kink world (and the sex industry) we label ourselves all of the time. Domme, Sub, Top, Bottom, Switch, Primal, Sissy, Cuck, Bull, Little… whatever. It’s a natural thing to do. We do it as humans because it gives us a sense of belonging when the labels that we apply to ourselves feel safe and correct. You see it in the media too, with people staying in one label at all times because they feel they have to fit into a narrative. However, as humans we are ever evolving and ever changing. Some of us may evolve along the path we find early and not feel any urge to deviate, while others may find themselves in a completely different headspace than they were 5 years ago, with a whole new pile of boxes next to the original ones. Both of these paths are valid and healthy. If you like the boxes you reside in, then you go ahead and fitz and sitz! Otherwise, let yourself explore!
You’re not less of a “Little” if one day you want to explore being “Primal”. You’re not less of a “Dom” if one day you realise you want to explore your masochistic side through impact play. You’re not in an exclusive relationship with any of your kinks, and you won’t hurt their feelings by choosing to try new things. Enjoy your own personal kink journey and explore your desires. The boxes of other kinks will always be there, so don’t limit yourself to one or two if that isn’t what you want. As long as you and any partners are SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) and you do your research before trying anything new, then all you have to do is have fun exploring!
Lesson 5. Trust Your Instincts
Oh look… we’ve hit the half way point!
This one is harder for me to talk about, because I let myself down a little bit at the start of my career by being 1. naïve and 2. ignoring my instincts. But, I promised myself that when documenting my journey I would be honest and not hide from my mistakes. I won’t say I regret the experience, because without it I wouldn’t have met the girl in my life, but I did put myself in a dangerous situation that could have been avoided if I’d just engaged my brain. So lets get into it.
At the start of February 2021 I was approached by a man on FabSwingers who owned a kink dungeon in the city centre of Glasgow. The owner said he wanted to start his own kink/porn production company, and since he found out I was on OnlyFans, and that I was of the kinky persuasion, he approached me to take part. He presented himself as being a well known and trusted member of the kink community, and told me that he had all of the required licensing to film. I (stupidly) didn’t verify anything really. I just went on trust for the simple reason that the dungeon itself had everything a kinky girl could dream of! I was like a kid at Christmas! There were toys, props and rooms I’d only fantasied about being able to use. It was almost intoxicating. And although I had zero attraction to him, he’d thrown out the fishing line and hooked me.
On my first visit to the dungeon, we did 12 hours worth of filming, with me exploring the toys and trying loads of different kinks that I hadn’t had a chance to try properly before. On that first day I filmed a JOI video as a sexy school teacher, I tried electro play for the first time, used a sybian and had UV coloured wax dripped over my body and then removed with a (blunt) knife. Yes, I am aware that agreeing to all of that play in one 12 hour lot, and especially the edge play, with a complete stranger was straight-up STUPID. I’m self-aware enough to admit there was a self-destructive streak running through me that was fighting my undercurrent of unease. The problem was that it was such a high! All the ideas I hadn’t believed possible for my content suddenly became very real and right at my fingertips! How could anything possibly go wrong? * insert copious amounts of sarcasm here *
So we came to an arrangement that appeared to be very cooshy for me. I was given full access to the dungeon as long as no one else was filming or working, the ability to write and direct my own scenes, the use of the professional photography and videography equipment AND full use of all photos and videos with me in it as long as the dungeon itself and any other performers were tagged.
In exchange the dungeon would also use my photos and videos on their page (as long as I was tagged). There was no monetary exchange or contracts signed. It meant I got to use the space for free and in my mind, at the time anyway, that was enough.
Then my instincts, that had already been hissing at me, started to SCREAM that something wasn’t right.
The more time I spent there, the more I started to see red flags everywhere I looked. I noticed that the dungeon itself was often filthy, with the owner practically living out of the place. I started meeting other women who were there to explore their kinks, and noticed that almost all of these women were very young (between 18 and 20) and that they were almost all submissive to the owner. There seemed to be an undercurrent of pressure on these women to show their “worth” to the Dungeon, by which I mean, to the owner. Most of them did not want to open up an OnlyFans account, or get actively involved in the filming side of things… but that didn’t stop the owner from nagging them and pushing them until they had opened the accounts out of fear of being pushed out of the kink play if they didn’t. The scenes these girls were involved in quickly became more extreme… and when I say quickly I mean at the speed of light. I wasn’t there for most of the extreme scenes, but I did see the footage later and I remember my inner voice screaming that these girls didn’t look like they were into the play. It was like watching a porn video where it is obvious that the woman is uncomfortable or in pain, but doing it because she feels she has to. These girls were barely 18 years old and doing scenes that should only be considered after months of discussion, vetting and trust. Something was off and I didn’t like it, but then again, I wasn’t being pressured to do anything I didn’t want to do… so surely everything was on the level, right?
You see that last sentence above? That thought was my own personal wake up call. I knew something was wrong, but I chose to ignore my instincts because I was benefitting from being part of the filming. I felt so ashamed of myself, and so damn selfish in the moment I realised that was what I was doing. It wasn’t just selfish, it was neglectful of myself, my morals and the young women who had become my friends. I quickly realised they were being pressured and manipulated into things they didn’t want to do, and told they were worthless when they didn’t give in to pressure. They started coming to me for their aftercare, because the dungeon owner wasn’t providing it for them. I raised this with him, asking him what was happening and I was met with a bunch of platitudes, mostly about them being young and inexperienced/unable to control their emotions.
The girls started opening up to me more, and telling me about scenes they were doing with him that I hadn’t seen footage of, or things he had done to them in general play. I was told that they weren’t allowed to meet or play with other people in the scene without his permission, and that he was pressuring them to fuck him bareback. Then they told me that as a “punishment” he would break their hard limits and I freaked the fuck out! The worst part though, was that these young women honestly believed that somehow they deserved what was happening to them. They were so twisted around, trying to be perfect, doing anything for crumbs of praise and affection. I hate this word (mostly because its drastically overused), but it’s appropriate for this particular situation, because I was triggered. These young women were being emotionally, sexually and physically abused while I watched. I knew the way they were feeling so intimately it was like a knife twisting in my stomach. Up to that point I had simply chosen (and it was a choice) to ignore the red flags, but now every single one of them was like a flashing light right in front of my eyes and I couldn’t sit by and keep watching.
I spoke to the girls, trying to encourage them to see what was happening to them, but I already knew that my words alone would never convince them. When I was in my long-term relationship, I didn’t want to hear anything bad about my partner or how he was treating me. I pushed friends away who dared to badmouth my relationship and distanced myself from my family. I was in too deep, and no one else could help show me how bad things were until I was ready to see it. These girls were in a similar position. They could only see fault in themselves and no words from me would change that.
So I left. I was only there for about three months, but that was more than enough. I was really badly shaken by the whole experience. If I had been just a little more submissive, would I have been in the same situation as those young women? If I wasn’t actively looking to make predominantly Domme content, would I have ended up like them? If I hadn’t just come out of my own bad situation, would I have missed the red flags and just wandered into the same trap? Honestly… I don’t know. What I do know for certain, is that if I had trusted my gut instincts, I would never have gotten involved in the first place.
To summarise this particular lesson: I put myself in danger and saw others being hurt and abused because I didn’t trust my instincts. Don’t be me. If you are feeling self-destructive, don’t involve yourself in anything until you feel stable. Trust that little voice inside your head that screams common sense at you. Your safety is top priority, be you a vanilla human, kinkster or sex worker. It doesn’t matter. If your inner voice is screaming that something is wrong, trust that voice and get out of the situation. Vet people properly, research and study new play spaces to make sure they are safe for you.
In case anyone is wondering, the other young women in question also eventually left and are living their best lives, away from that horrible situation. I’m still close to them, and I couldn’t be more proud of their strength!
Which brings me happily to my next lesson:
Lesson 6. Be a Nerd
You heard me! I’m encouraging you guys to be the thing that you were teased for being in high school. Ironic right?
Trust me, being a nerdy geek in the kink scene and adult industry is not only very sexy but a also a must! Kink is fun, and working in the sex industry can also be a hell of a lot of fun, but only if you know what you are doing. So get your inner Velma out, grab your books and get researching. Personally, I quite enjoy getting a glass of wine and snuggling on the sofa to do my research while wrapped in a blanket fort, usually with one or both of my cats on my lap. I use loads of different resources, from videos, blogs, books, articles and reviews, usually while scribbling notes in one of my copious journals. There is no exact science to it, so just find what works for you an enjoy the process.
Another great way of going about things is to go to classes. It’s a great way to learn new skills and make some new friends in the scene at the same time. I personally think classes or workshops can be better than Munchies for actual socialising in the scene. There isn’t exactly a plethora of classes to attend in Scotland, but that doesn’t mean you can’t sign up to online classes through Zoom or other platforms in a pinch. So you get to learn AND get to meet new people. I see that as a net bonus.
Try not to fall into the trap of thinking that researching is a chore. If it feels like a chore then you probably aren’t passionate enough about the topic or you need to look into it another way, but that’s ok. Just don’t choose to sit in ignorance by being too lazy to look up your interests. When it comes down to it, a nice mix of caution and knowledge is the key to a successful sex life… be it a personal sex life or work in the adult industry. Same rules apply!
Lesson 7. Turn Yourself On!
Yes my darlings, you heard me! This is one of my favourite lessons, and one that was already firmly in my mind when I started working in the industry. Make the sort of content that turns YOU on. There is enough heartless, empty porn out there without making more… and frankly if you want that then you can just go on Pornhub where you’ll find it in about 0.02 seconds. It’s also really hard to be passionate about things that you don’t enjoy, so why hamstring yourself by making content that isn’t to your own taste? At the end of the day, when you are creating erotic forms of art, be it in video, photo, audio or written format, I believe it should be an honest representation of what sex looks like for you.
For me it comes in loads of forms. I express both my dominant and submissive sides, as well as my kinks pretty substantially, but I also show my softer vanilla side that is full of gentle touches and simple human pleasure. I love roleplay and naughty cosplay too, mostly because I love getting into character and writing the scenario etc before acting it out. I have a huge list of ideas I want to do and content I want to make, both solo and collaborative, but I will make them in my own time when the mood takes me. Quality matters more to me than quantity.
I want to make content full of real lust, honest laughter and smiles. Real orgasms and reactions without the brainless moans and groans of 90% of mainstream pornography. When I start collaborating, I want the chemistry between me and the people I choose to work with to be real as well. I don’t want to go into a situation and just put on an act of fake pleasure for the sake of content. That’s just not me.
I would also suggest letting the organisation process of creating your content become part of your arousal process. I get worked up thinking about how to create the scenes in my head, even more so as I’ve been a solo actress, camerawoman and editor since leaving the Glasgow dungeon. If I’m not making the sort of content that I enjoy, then something in my organisation process has gone very wrong, but that’s ok. It just means back to the drawing board and lets try it a different way.
To reiterate from earlier, this isn’t me saying don’t do custom content or stretch yourself (snicker) if you so wish. I’m specifically talking about the content you choose to make for your business. If it means you end up specialising in certain things, then that’s great! You’ll end up being known for being a creator who specialises in XYZ and that niche will bring you subscribers. And maybe you’ll be someone with a huge variety of content, which is great too! Just be you and enjoy the process, otherwise you’ll find yourself in Burn Out City without a way to move back to Motivation Town.
So make the hot and horny content that makes your panties wet or your cock throb! People want to see YOU, so be YOU and turn yourself into a horny puddle of goo.
Lesson 8: Reach Out and Find Your People
Now I can’t believe that as a self-proclaimed introvert hermit that I’m going to say this to you guys, but yes, go out and find your people.
Being a sex worker can be seriously lonely at times. The fact that we choose a job that still have a huge stigma attached doesn’t help matters. You may be lucky (like me) and have an accepting family and a couple of very close vanilla world friends who know what you do, but it can be difficult to feel isolated in what we choose to make our careers. Everyone needs work friends! Same applies for kink friends if you aren’t in the adult industry. Being lonely in your interests can suck just as much.
So make the effort to change that. I’m not saying that it’s not a bit daunting to jump onto a place like NSFW Twitter, Kinktok, Fetlife or FabSwingers, but they are good places to start. You can float in the background a little to get started, just watching, but as you start to interact you will start to find people who think like you do. All of these places have their pros and cons, but I’ll save that conversation for another time.
Another option is going to events and munchies. Granted a lot of these events you will only find on places like Fetlife, Fab or Twitter, but you can also utilise the wonder of google to find your local kink or swinging clubs. Classes (as I’ve already said) are also fantastic options and I think help you connect with people even more than a general event or munch. It’s also more structures generally, and that can help us socially anxious people relax more. Even online classes will help you socialise, and I have made some amazing online friends in the community who are fantastic people!
I talked earlier about us in the community having to wear our armour all the time and how difficult that can be to bear alone. But trust me, the armour is no where near as heavy when you are surrounded by other warriors who think like you do. Trust me, it’s worth the effort to find your people.
Lesson 9. Treat Yourself with Kindness
If you are anything like me, you won’t be very good at this one, but it is honestly one of the most vital things you will learn in life, regardless of your job, sexual inclinations or anything else for that matter. Be kind to you!
I’m a chronic workaholic, constantly spinning multiple plates all of the time, while looking after the people in my life and being considered as fairly indestructible. I’m also working through therapy for PTSD, I’m in the middle of the process to get my ADHD formally diagnosed and have other neurodivergent conditions that require constant maintenance on my part. I’m also working through my body dysmorphia and lingering eating disorder, so that takes energy too. Plus, I have a stupidly high pain threshhold and a high tolerance to the discomfort of illness, and so tend to just ignore the warning signs of burn out until I’m fairly close to useless. I struggle to say no to people when they need my help, which adds other plates I need to spin. To top it all off, I’m often stubborn to the point of idiocy, with the sentence “I’ll be fine” coming out of my mouth far to fucking often. My therapist would say I have “an unhealthy obsession with appearing strong and avoiding weakness.” No shit sherlock…
I am getting better at being kind to myself though, regardless of what I just said. I don’t beat myself up half as much as I used to when I need to take a break, and I’m definitely better at telling my friends and family when I need space. I’m even starting to be able to spoil myself a little when I can, which is something it took me over 28 years to learn. But there is a lot of work to do in that particular regard. And that is before adding in the mix of also working in the adult industry/being self-employed. The one thing I repeat to myself over and over again is that “I am NOT superwoman” (besides… she’s a terrible superhero to want to be. Spiderman all day long bitches!). I am not capable of constantly hitting the insane targets I set for myself every single time, and I certainly deserve a day off once in a while.
So when you achieve something, remember to give yourself a pat on the back, and when you need downtime take it. Practise self-care in little ways throughout your day. For me, a really hot bath at the end of a long day with a cup of tea and a book really helps me ground myself when I’m stressed. Running helps me too. I run for my headspace, not for time or distance, so sometimes just a 10 minute run around the block can help clear my head. Other days I need a longer run, but that’s ok too. It helps and that’s all that matters.
Do all of the simple and irritatingly helpful things that you know you should do but ignore. Drink plenty of water (not just coffee or Monster!), eat regularly and try and get plenty of sleep. I don’t always do these things, but I try. Some great advice I was given was to treat myself the way I would treat my submissive. Apply the same rules of care in protection of your own physical and mental health as you would for a partner. Dom the ever loving fuck out of yourself until self-care becomes part of your daily habits. It helps me to think in those terms, so maybe it will help some of you.
Lesson 10. Be Unapologetically Yourself
Last, but certainly not least, is my final and most important lesson: Be Unapologetically You!!
In this industry, more than anything else I want to be seen as 100% myself. I want people to see all aspects of who I am as a human. I’m a crazy cat lady who plays D&D. I may appear very pro-social, but honestly I prefer to hermit and spend most of my time alone with just me and my cats, or a very select group of close friends. I go to the gym and run about three times a week. I love to swim and enjoy walking on beaches with my feet in the surf. I play every video game I ever play on the hardest mode, just because I’m a masochist and love the challenge. I make cheesecake for my friends and family on their birthdays and throw amazing potluck gaming nights. I go through books and audiobooks at a scary rate, and I almost always have music playing loudly in my house.
I am all of those things as well as a sex worker. Those aspects of me are not lessened by my career choice, and vice versa. I’m not less of a sex worker because I go to see most new Marvel films with my Dad and brothers, or because I jump up and down excitedly when I get a new plushie. So in my little corner of the sex industry I will create my own little world that is exactly the way I want it. I want to make sex education videos and write blogs on my sexy adventures. I want to be standing in front of groups of people and having amazing discussions about the adult industry, kink, sex and geekiness, and hearing your input! I want to create open dialogue spaces and an inclusive community where people feel safe to ask questions and explore. I also want to normalise what I do, because at the end of the day it is a career like any other.
I love showing aspects of myself in my work too, and actively intermingle my personality with my content. For example, on my Fansly you can find my Boobs Out Book Club, where I lounge in my bed, with my boobs out and talk about my favourite books, authors and whatever book I’ve just finished. It’s super vanilla, but it proves the point of my Venn diagram theory, where half of the people who follow me started following me because of who I am as a human, while the other half followed me because they want to see me doing naughty things to myself… but the fans that stick with me, do so because of BOTH sides of the diagram.
I can totally understand if you want to keep your personal life and sex work life totally separated, if that is your preference, then go for it! That doesn’t work for me though. I started in this industry for my own empowerment, to actively and openly explore who I am. I’m a better person for choosing the adult industry as my career. If I can educate, give you lovely folks a few laughs along the way and provide a few really good orgasms, then all the better!
Thank you for listening to me ramble, and I hope you guys enjoy your lunch! Remember and follow me on my social media platforms CuriousKitty345 and subscribe to my spicy pages if you have the inclination.
Enjoy the rest of your day!!
End of speech <3
So that is all 10 lessons, and the full speech as it should have been if I hadn’t deviated madly and rambled like a weirdo! I hope you enjoyed the lessons and insight into how I run my life as a sex worker. Stick about for more of my personalised brand of nonsense and have a good day!
Kitty xxx
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