Good day my lovelies, and welcome to another blog. As per usual, my intention to post this in a certain time frame did not come to pass, but lets be honest, I’m never on time for anything anyway! May as well stay in character right? 😛 So in (belated) celebration of Pride Month, I thought now might be a good time to talk about my own journey as a queer person. Specifically I want to talk about the happy memories I associate with my sexuality and the beautiful experiences I have had as I’ve come to accept the beautiful and unique way that I express love.
Before I get started, I would just like to take a second to thank the lovely Pixie of PixxelBloom and Rhys of Boundless Photography who helped create the amazing PRIDE photoshoot with me. The photos in this blog are all from that photoshoot, so please go and give them both a follow on Insta. Thank you both so much for taking my rough idea and collaborating with me to turn it into a beautiful PRIDE celebration 🙂 You’re two wonderful humans. Oh and a special thank you to Rhys for putting up with the amount of mess Pixie and I made while covered in that UV body paint! Patience of a saint you have my friend!
Without further ado, lets get into it! I don’t think I can really talk about my sexuality without talking about how incredibly lucky I was in terms of “coming out” as bisexual. By which I mean that I never actually “came out” because I was always out. Growing up I had a massive crush on both Spike and Buffy from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and I had posters of both of them on my bedroom ceiling. I wanted to marry the whole cast of Stargate SG1, preferably all at the same time. Oh and Lucy Lawless as Xena? Be still my beating heart! Let’s be serious, I was the poster child for 90s bisexual, so it was pretty hard to miss. When I brought my first girlfriend (I was about 13, so we’ll use the term girlfriend loosely) home after school, my mum’s only reaction was to make her feel welcome and ask her if she liked macaroni cheese because that was what we were having for dinner. Basically, I was never taught while growing up that being bisexual or gay was something I had to confess to. Love was love. I had family who were openly gay, so it was never seen as anything to be ashamed of. I’ll always be so grateful for that. It laid a foundation of confidence and trust in the validity of my sexuality which saw me through the rough patches during high school and in my twenties. I never had to doubt whether my parent’s love for me was conditionally based on who I ended up choosing to sleep with or love. All I can really say is well done to my Mum and Dad for smashing it out of the park in the game of parenting on that one!
My first real girlfriend was a short-lived summer fling who I met while on a caravan holiday with my parents when I was about 15. She was a metal head with an amazing cyber-punk style and very big brown eyes that I found really attractive. That was also probably my first realisation that I am predominantly dominant with women. Although when you looked at the two of us you would have thought she would be very dominant in comparison to my soft goth teenage witch vibes, it was very much the other way around. She was sweet natured, fun and liked being pinned during play fighting. I was a lot stronger than I looked and we enjoyed a very gentle and tentative power dynamic (not that either of us knew what that was at the time). It wasn’t anything serious, but we liked spending time together, as well as being able to explore without fear of judgement. Being away from our hometowns and high schools probably helped both of us in that regard. Why is this among some of my favourite memories of my sexual awakening? Well that’s simple. It was a sweet and almost innocent exploration for us both. We were very open with each other and communicated very well, especially for a couple of awkward emotionally messy teenagers. It was just pretty wholesome and it always makes me smile whenever I think about her.
I had a few other experiences and little flings with girls, but it was pretty short lived. I fell head over heels for my ex fiancé a few months before I turned 16 and that effectively ended any exploration in that regard. I was in a straight monogamous relationship for 12 years, but in the thirteenth year of that relationship we began swinging and I was able to express my bisexual side fully again. I was a little tentative about it if I’m honest, since it had been a very long time since I’d been with another woman and I was kinda scared that maybe I’d forgotten how to be with a woman. There was also some anxiety surrounding whither I really was bisexual. My partner at the time had put a lot of pressure on me over the years to “prove” that I was bi, which I had always shut down because I had no intention of sleeping with anyone simply to prove a point to him, but it did put some fear in my head that maybe I wasn’t as into other girls as I thought I was. That wobble lasted about as long as it took for me to lock lips with the first girl I’d made out with since I was a teenager!
This was several months into my swinging journey, and I’d already had a wonderful first experience (which you can still read about here) as well as a few other fun one off meets and a date or two as a hotwife. Then a friend in the scene sent a message to introduce me and my partner at the time to this lovely woman who was local to us. I started chatting to her first through the FabSwingers forums, then private messages. She was delightful! We chatted about video games and Marvel and flirted heavily in nerd, which we all know is my favourite variety of flirting. Did I mention she did burlesque? No? Well I have now. After a few weeks we organised for my then-partner and I to meet her for lunch. Honestly, she blew me away! She was absolutely adorable and clearly just as nervous as I was. The three of us had a great time with lots of laughter and silly flirting. At the end of the evening we were sitting on a bench near the train station and I asked her if I could kiss her. She had such a cute smile and blushed so prettily when she said yes that I was almost knocked sideways. I’d forgotten how it felt to get butterflies for a girl and fuck I liked it! Our mini make out session was very sweet, tentative and full of promise for the future, but nothing else could happen that night because we all had trains to catch. Nothing else ever came of that date, but it’s such a happy memory for me because it awakened a part of my sexuality had become dormant while trying to fit my bisexual polyamorous ass into a straight monogamous relationship. Suddenly the uncertainty that my then partner had slowly embedded into me vanished! That foundational validation in my own sexuality reasserted itself with a vengeance. I like girls and I like guys. So if anyone tries to make you doubt or prove your sexuality, just remember that you didn’t ask for a glass of their opinion. You are you and that is all that matters.
The next memory I want to share is the wisdom of a kid. I didn’t really use the term queer in regards to myself until a few years ago. This addition was added through the wise words of my youngest brother, who showed a remarkable amount of self-awareness for someone at the tender age of fifteen. He had only come out as gay a few months previously and we had quite a few long conversations surrounding that topic, from both his perspective and my own experiences. The conversation that really stuck with me though was on the topic of being “queer” and the use of that description. He told me that although he was certain he was gay, he was fond of the term “queer” because he was only fifteen and who’s to say that one day he might not fall head over heels in love with someone who is non-binary or someone transgender? By saying “I’m queer” it allowed him the confidence to explore his sexuality as it is in the moment, and in whatever directions it may take him in the future, without having to conform to one idea of what love, sex or romance ‘should’ look like.
I’m not going to lie, I was properly blown away by my baby brothers wisdom and obvious confidence in himself. Can you imagine being in your mid-teens and loving yourself enough to both advocate for your sexuality as it is in the present moment, as well as advocating for your sexuality in the future? To give yourself the grace and room to grow into yourself without prejudice? I certainly wasn’t that emotionally together! I’m always proud of him, but that conversation made me so crazy proud of the young man he was turning into. He’s nineteen now, at college and is probably one of the most emotionally intelligent people I know. I’m grateful for him everyday, and the beautiful way he sees the world. Because of this conversation, and many others I have shared with him, I started feeling like I could identify as both bisexual and queer. It’s a beautiful umbrella term that covers all aspects of my sexuality. At the end of the day it basically means I’m #NotStraight and whatever else comes after that is up to me. All of that, from the wisdom of my youngest brother who is thirteen years younger than me. Astonishing really.
Now let’s depart from the wholesome sweetness and talk about two group sex sessions that are stand-out moments in my sexual awakening, because sex is great and sometimes humans are far too pretty not to share them!
Firstly, please take a second to imagine, if you will, a full girl orgy. Seven women, all gorgeous and all horny for one another. Six of the seven women are extremely submissive by nature, while one woman is predominantly dominant with women. Guess who got to play top for six other girls in one scene? Oh yeah, that would be me! You may take a second to be jealous 😛 Having six stunning girls giving me big submissive eyes at the same time is just a whole different level of delicious. I knew I liked being dominant, but this situation was something entirely unique to anything I’d ever experienced before or since! I had never had any form of group sex up till that point, never mind with more than one other woman at a time, so I was pretty nervous. Then I started making out with an adorable brunette with very big eyes and the most adorable giggle the world has ever heard, and suddenly I wasn’t nervous anymore. There was a lot of different types of play and a lot of toys used, but I think my favourite moment that will forever live rent free in my brain was when I was fingering two of the girls, while going down on a third, and the other three were playing around us. The noises of happily squealing pleasure all around me was intoxicating. By the end of it all of the girls were exhausted with shaking legs and that sweet post-orgasm glazed look on their faces. The aftercare cuddle puddle was fun too as I’m sure you can imagine. In hindsight, I have no idea where my energy came from and how I managed to make my way around all of those beautiful women. You know what’s funny about it though? Every girl that was there orgasmed several times… except me! I was to focused on them, and very overstimulated so I never actually got to cum. I still find that really funny. One of the most unique sexual experiences of my life and I didn’t even cum. Crazy. Oh, and that adorable brunette I made out with first? I ended up being her Mummy Domme, which we enjoyed exploring together for over a year. We’re still very good friends, and she still has a cute giggle.
It probably goes without saying, especially for you folks who have followed me for a while, but there was a certain MFFF group session that you can read about here that definitely sits high on my list of favourite memories. Not for the reasons you think though! It’s one of my favourite memories because it was the first time I’d been in a position to share someone I was in love with, and I found a lot of joy in seeing him in pleasure with two girls I also had a lot of love for. Since I also had a fledgling D/S relationship with one of the girls (the giggly brunette), I can tentatively describe that session as the first time I’d had a polyamorous sexual experience. The hierarchy of it came so naturally, with me submitting to my dominant partner, and the girls submitting to the both of us. Everything flowed beautifully. It also unlocked a cuckquean streak in me that I didn’t know existed up to that point. Seeing the guy in my life fucking other beautiful women made me wildly horny. At one point I need to explore that particular kink further. The passion of that morning is still one of the best experiences of my life. I think the way that we all communicated and the openness of the way we debriefed afterwards stands out to me. We really embodied negotiation, safety and the aftercare that we all needed. That and the sex was hot! Really, really hot… Ahhhh! Horny brain be still you wicked minx! I need to write about other things, stop distracting me!! Lets change the subject back to something more wholesome so I don’t go down too much of a memory rabbit hole and end up to horny to write anymore 😛
Now, I know I went into my polyamory awakening in my last blog, and as I said over there it really does deserve a post all to itself, but I can’t write about the happy memories of my sexuality without at least giving that aspect of myself a respectful nod. Being able to explore the way that I love and the different ways that I express that with different people has been such a wonderful experience. Since I don’t want to belabour it too much here, I will just summarise a few of my favourite things about being polyamorous and I’ll do a deeper dive at a later date.
You know something that’s underrated as a polyamorous person? Hearing your partners talk about their other lives outside of you. I know to my monogamous followers that may sound weird, but for me there are few things that make me smile more than hearing about the wonderful experiences my people get up to in other aspects of their lives. Listening to someone beaming with pride over their kids accomplishments, or telling me that they’ve finished a course they’ve been working hard on for ages or that they’ve been on a family holiday that has helped them recharge… yeah it gives me the warm fuzzy feels 🙂 ! Why? Because I like knowing my people (be they platonic or romantic partners) are happy. It’s really that simple.
An interesting thing that polyamory has taught me about myself is that I find the concept of looking for your “other half” vaguely toxic. Not because I have any issues with monogamy, but because I have always resented the idea that I need another person to be in my life to complete me. I’m not a jigsaw puzzle with half of the pieces missing or a project that needs fixed. I am a full and unique person, whither I am partnered up or not. If I have someone in my life it is because I want them to be there, not because I need them to be there. Honestly, I think that’s much more romantic. When you remove the idea of needing someone to complete you, you’ll suddenly find a lot more time to learn to love yourself and when you love yourself you are far more capable of loving others. There is more personal accountability and emotional maturity when you go into relationships with that mindset. You are taking full responsibility for your ability to effectively communicate your wants, needs and boundaries. It’s a beautiful way to love and is applicable in all styles of relationship. I think that might be one of the most important lessons I’ve learned on my polyamory journey.
Now I think that may be where I want to wrap this post up. There have been other experiences that have helped me develop into the outspoken, queer weirdo I am now, but I think I have covered all of the most important parts. So how do I summarise? Well, I’m bisexual, as in I like both men and women. I’m queer as in I’m open to exploration under the comfort of knowing I’m #NotStraight. I’m polyamorous and a relationship anarchist as in I reject the idea that love can only happen in a monogamous heteronormative fashion. Finally, I am me, as in free to define myself and evolve in whatever direction feels right for me. <3 So thank you for taking the time to read about my journey into the LGBTQ+.
Just a final note that I can now announce! One of the pictures from the UV Pride photoshoot will be exhibited at The Queer Agenda art exhibition and event during Glasgow Pride. Find tickets for the event here. All profits are going to LGBT Health and Wellbeing Scotland, which is an amazing charity that supports our community. I hope to see you there!
Love and snuggles
Kitty xx